By JOANNE RICHARD
SPECIAL TO THE TORONTO SUN ... Fri, April 7, 2006

Does your husband or wife make you sick? Does she/he make you fat? Are you totally out of shape or tired out because of your spouse?

Well, you're not alone. Experts agree that your partner's harmful habits may be jeopardizing not only their health, but yours, too!

"Your partner can absolutely make you fat and sick and sabotage all your efforts to be healthy," says relationship expert Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil.

"We are all very impacted and influenced by our partner -- in bad ways, as well as good. They can definitely encourage and discourage."

Eaker Weil says you're more at risk if you're exposed to negative health and behavioural characteristics day-in and day-out. "It's just easier to be lazy, eat lousy and take the easy way out."

According to a poll in the March issue of Chatelaine magazine, the majority blame partners for their bad health habits: Thirty-seven percent share unhealthy habits with their partner; and 37% get lazy together sometimes. Only a dismal 17% motivate each other, while a paltry 9% report both being healthy.
Seems if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

A University of Michigan study substantiates strong spousal influence -- "significant similarities" -- between spouses' drinking, smoking and exercise habits, as well as projected health risks, were documented in the 10-year-old study.

According to Dr. Sender Deutsch, "We invariably follow the partner with bad habits as it is the path of lesser resistance. Let's face it; staying in bed, eating fast food and not working out are all very easy. It's far more difficult to counter those lazy choices of convenience.

"It's tough enough to motivate yourself, let alone motivate someone else who's clearly uninterested in changing their ways," says Deutsch, head of SHAPE Health and Wellness Centre in Toronto.

Marriage and family therapist Marilyn Belleghem adds that couples gain intimacy in shared time and activities -- good and bad: "Often one partner will move toward the interests and tastes of the other in order to avoid conflict and find common ground."

BETTER HALF?
- unhealthy diet:
Prepare for a food fight, say the experts. It's difficult to follow a healthy diet if your spouse eats poorly and brings fattening food into the house. "I have cases where a spouse purposely wants his wife to be fat so no one looks at her -- so they bring her candy home everyday," says Eaker Weil.

According to Toronto weight loss coach Harvey Brooker, "spouses can be your best friend or your worst enemy when trying to change life habits from bad to good."

Support is crucial to good eating and successful weight loss, says Brooker, of The Harvey Brooker Weight Loss for Men clinic. "Bringing the wrong food into the home will eventually break down anyone's determination ... the whole family has to be on side if this is to work.

"If there is no support at home, there can be no long-term results. Their home has to be their safe haven or this weight loss effort can't really work," he says.

Adds Deutsch: "Typically, one spouse controls shopping for groceries and preparing meals, therefore if they have bad habits it permeates the entire family."

EXERCISE:

A spouse's negative attitude or lack of interest towards exercise is likely to affect their partner, resulting in a workout dropout. According to research, among married people who joined an exercise program, 92% of those who joined as couples were still exercising after one year; more than half of those who joined without their spouses dropped out.

The sedentary spouse may feel threatened by a slim, trim mate, or may resent the time given to another activity, adds Eaker Weil. "Exercising efforts may be undermined -- beware the 'come and cuddle with me' pleas on your way out to an early morning workout. It's an underhanded way to keep you unhealthy and unhappy like he is."

It's a tough grind: "When your spouse isn't into healthy living, you have no motivation, no accountability, no support and virtually no chance," says Deutsch.

According to Belleghem, a Burlington therapist, "some people even sabotage their spouse's changes so they do not have to put the effort into changing. Change can be hard and maintaining the status quo much easier.
"We, like water, seek the lowest level we can get away with unless we have a strong motivation to change.

Change often involves conflict," says Belleghem of questpublishing.ca
A possible solution: "Find something you can both enjoy like dancing, walking, cycling, swimming rather than just gym workouts that can be boring to many," says Belleghem.

HEAVY DRINKING:

Men tend to drink more heavily than women and, according to research at RIA, it's the husband who has more influence on whether the couple engages in heavy drinking, says Dr. Ken Leonard, a senior research scientist who studied newlywed couples.

"Heavy drinking (consuming six or more drinks in one sitting once or more a week) has an impact on marital conflict," says Leonard, whose study linked heavy drinking with domestic violence.

Eaker Weil says heavy drinking is not only unhealthy physically but also destructive to marriage and family. "Addiction takes precedence over a relationship -- it's never a rational thing."

Leonard's research shows marital satisfaction is higher and depression lower for couples who display similar patterns -- good and bad.

And what if one decides to give up an unhealthy habit? "There are feelings of jealousy and the distance between them grows because they have lost one of their common bonds, albeit a bad one," adds Brooker.

RESTLESS NIGHTS:

Snoring can definitely affect sleep quality -- for both the snorer and the spouse, say the experts.
For the sleep deprived, cognitive functioning can be greatly affected, thereby endangering personal safety, Eaker Weil says, adding that the immune system, moods and general well-being are also jeopardized.
According to Belleghem, snoring is a very common complaint that can lead to separate sleeping arrangements.

"Ear plugs, waking the person snoring and altering sleep positions with pillows, beds that tilt, etc., are all possible remedies. Just because a couple sleeps separately, their sexual relationship does not have to suffer."

Eaker Weil (of makeupdontbreakup.com) strongly disagrees: "Never use separate bedrooms -- it's only a band aid solution. See a doctor."

Follow healthy sleep habits all around: Go to bed at the same time every night, avoid smoking and late meals, limit caffeine and alcohol, and don't exercise too close to bedtime.

SMOKING:

If you're trying to quit and he isn't, good luck. Success rate will be minimal and resistance maximal, say the experts, even though it's deadly behaviour -- smoking causes about 30% of all cancer deaths says the Canadian Cancer Society.

According to Dr. Leonard, his research indicates that women are more likely to match their husband's behaviour when it comes to smoking -- "a woman smoker married to a non smoker is more likely to stop, while a non-smoking women who is married to a smoker is more likely to resume."

Meanwhile, if you're a non-smoker and your spouse's smoke is getting in your eyes -- and lungs -- get the puffer to puff outdoors. Second-hand smoke is linked to the deaths of at least 1,100 Canadians every year.
"Second-hand smoke is more deadly than directly inhaled smoke," says Eaker Weil.

According to the Canadian Cancer Society website (cancer.ca), second-hand smoke releases the same 4,000 chemicals as smoke that is directly inhaled, but in even greater quantity. Approximately 50 of these chemicals (carcinogens) cause cancer."

MARIJUANA USE:
The wife is in the driver's seat when it comes to determining her husband's marijuana use, according to researchers at the University at Buffalo's Research Institute on Addictions (RIA).

According to Dr. Leonard, "results showed that in the first year of marriage, husbands are more likely to start or resume smoking marijuana if their wives smoke marijuana. Husbands also are more likely to stop smoking marijuana if their spouses do not smoke." Meanwhile, husbands do not seem to influence their wives' marijuana smoking.